The One With The Free Porn

Story by Mark J. Kunerth
Teleplay by Richard Goodman
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is watching TV, and we hear Mr. Treeger in the bathroom.]

Mr. Treeger: Ohhh, man!!

Que asco!.

Joey: (coming in from his bedroom) What is that?

Que es eso?

Chandler: Treeger’s snaking the shower drain.

Treeger esta destapando el desague de la banera.

Mr. Treeger: What in the name of hell?

Que diablos es esto?

Joey: Maybe he found you flip-flop.

A lo mejor encontro tu chancleta.

(Joey sits down and changes the channel, and we see two people making out.)

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: Whoa! Is this porn? What did I do? I must’ve hit something on the remote.

Es pornografia?.

Que hice? Debo haber apretado algo del control remoto.

Chandler: Do we pay for this?

Pagamos por esto?

Joey: No, we didn’t even pay our cable bill?maybe this is how they punish us.

No, ni si quiera hemos pagado la cuenta del cable.

Chandler: Maybe we shouldn’t pay our phone bill?free phone sex.

Quizas esa sea la forma como nos castigan.

Entonces no paguemos el telefono, asi nos daran sexo telefonico gratis.

Joey: Maybe we shouldn’t pay our gas bill? (Stops and thinks about what he just said.)

Tampoco deberiamos pagar el gas!

Mr. Treeger: (coming in from the bathroom) Whoa, hey, that lady’s all kinds of naked.

Esa mujer esta totalmente desnuda.

Chandler: Yeah, Joey just pressed something on the remote and it just, came on!

Si, Joey apreto un boton del control remoto y simplemente aparecio!

Mr. Treeger: Yeah, it happened to me once. I was just flipping through the channels and bam! It was like finding money.

A mi tambien me paso una vez.

Estaba haciendo zapping y bam! Fue como encontrar dinero.

Chandler: Like finding money with naked people on it!

Es como encontrar dinero con gente desnuda!

Mr. Treeger: Then I made the mistake of turning off the TV, I never got it back again. And I’m sad. (Exits.)

Pero luego cometi el error de apagar el televisor, jamas volvi a sintonizarlo.

Y estoy triste.

Joey: (to Chandler) Why would he turn off the TV? (Chandler shrugs.)

Por que apagaria el televisor?

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, later that morning. The porn is still on, there are three women getting ready to shave the chest of some guy. Joey and Chandler are wondering why that guy is letting them shave his chest, and Monica and Rachel are eating breakfast at the foosball table.]

Rachel: All right, y’know what, come on, do we really have to watch this while we eat? (She makes a move for the remote.)

Chicos, de verdad tenemos que ver eso mientras comemos.

Joey and Chandler: (stopping her) Oh no-no-no-no!

No, no ,no!.

Chandler: We don’t know what could make this go away.

No sabemos que podria hacerlo desaparecer.

Joey: Yeah, so no one touches the remote. And no one touches the TV!

Si, asi que nadie toca el control remoto. Ni nadie toca el televisor!

Chandler: And no one touches the air around the TV!

Y nadie toca el aire que hay alrededor del televisor.

Joey: Imagine a protective porn bubble if you will, okay?

Imaginen una burbuja protectora del porno, si pueden.

Monica: Well at least, I’m going to mute it.

Por lo menos dejame quitarle el sonido.

Joey and Chandler: Oh no-no-no! (Monica mutes the TV and they tentatively look behind them)

Oh no, no. no!

Chandler: We still have porn.

Todavia tenemos porno.

Joey: Hey.

Phoebe: (entering, carrying her massage table) Hi!

Monica: Hi!

Rachel: Honey, what are you doing? That’s too heavy.

Que estas haciendo? Eso es muy pesado.

Phoebe: Yeah.

Rachel: Give it here. (She takes the table.) Oh, God. (And gives it to Monica right away.)

Oh Dios!

Monica: Okay.

Phoebe: Ohh, I’m getting too pregnant for this, lugging around a stupid massage table. Y’know, I have to find a job where I carrying a smaller table. (She goes over and stands in front of the TV.)

Estoy muy gorda para seguir cargando con esa porqueria de camilla para masajes.

Necesito un trabajo en el que pueda llevar una camilla mas pequena.

Chandler: Or a job where you don’t have to carry a table.

O uno que no requiera que lleves camilla.

Phoebe: You mean like a doctor?

Como de doctor.

Joey: Pheebs! You’re blocking the porn! Look out!

Phoebe! Estas tapando el porno! Apartate!

Phoebe: Ohh! (She moves.) Oh my. Oh, that reminds me, I have to see my OB-GYN today.

Eso me recuerda que hoy tengohora con mi ginecologa.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's erm, Monica and Rachel's, Ross is entering.]

Ross: Hi.

Monica: Hi.

Ross: So uh, Emily just went to the airport.

Emily acaba de salir para el aeropuerto.

Monica: Oh. Why didn’t you take her?

Por que no la acompanaste?

Ross: Eh, her-her uncle already had planned on doing it. And y’know, we-we said our good-byes this morning, so…

Su tio ya se habia ofrecido para llevarla.

Y, bueno, ya nos despedimos esta manana, pues...

Monica: You must feel horrible. Hey! The guys have free porn!

Debes de sentirte fatal. Los chicos tienen porno gratis!

Ross: (Thinks about it.) Nah.

No, no me interesa.

Monica: Hey, cheer up! You’re gonna see her again, right?

Animate! Volveras a verla, verdad?

Ross: Well I, that’s the thing, I don’t know! I mean, whenever I brought it up with her she said, (In a British accent.) "This is so fantastic! Why do we have to talk about the future? Let’s just enjoy…"

Ese es el problema, no lo se!

Cada vez que sacaba el tema me decia...

"Estamos viviendo algo fantastico! Por que tenemos que hablar del futuro? Disfrutemos de..."

Monica: (interrupting him) No-no-no, don’t-don’t do the accent. You’ve got to see her again.

No, no imites el acento.

Tienes que volver a verla.

Ross: And why do you care so much?

Y a ti por que te importa tanto?

Monica: Because! You could get to live out my fantasy!

Porque! Podrias llegar a vivir mi fantasia!

Ross: You had fantasies about Emily?

Has tenido fantasias con Emily?

Monica: No! Y’know, the fantasy! Meet someone from a strange land, fall in madly love, and spend the rest of your lives together.

No! Me refiero a la fantasia!

Conocer a un extranjero, enamorarse locamente, y pasar juntos el resto de la vida.

Ross: Is that why in junior high you were the only one that hung out with that Ukrainian kid?

Era por eso que en la secundaria, eras la unica que se relacionaba con aquel nino Ukrainiano?

Monica: Yeah that, plus his mom used to put sour cream on everything!

Si por eso.

Ademas porque su madre le ponia crema agria a todo.

Ross: Ahh.

Monica: Do you love her?

La amas?

Ross: We said it was only going to be two weeks, y’know?

Acordamos que solo duraria dos semanas, sabes?

Monica: You love her!

La amas!.

Ross: What-what is love really?

Pero que es el amor en realidad?

Monica: Ohhh, I knew you loved her! Then you need to go to the airport and tell her. You’re probably just gonna catch her just as she’s about to go to the gate. You’re gonna call out her name and say, "I love you!" And she’s gonna say, "I love you, too!" And you guys are going to have the most amazing kiss, everyone at the gate will applaud.

Sabia que la amabas!.

Tienes que ir al aeropuerto y decirselo.

Seguramente la alcanzaras en la misma puerta de embarque.

Gritaras su nombre, y le diras: "Te quiero!" y ella te dira: "Yo tambien te quiero!".

Entonces le daras uno de esos besos de pelicula y la gente les aplaudira.

Ross: I am a good kisser.

Yo soy un buen besador.

Monica: Then you two can, can sneak into the cockpit, and things will start to heat up, and then a stewardess comes in… (Ross looks at her.) I’ve been watching too much porn.

Entonces entraran en la cabina del piloto.....

Se empezaran a exitar.... y entrara una azafata...

He visto demasiado porno.

[Scene: Beth Israel Medical Center, Phoebe is at her OB-GYN doing an ultrasound, Rachel is with her. We here the baby’s heartbeat.]

Rachel: Is that the heartbeat?

Eso es el corazon?

The Doctor: That’s it.

Asi es.

Phoebe: Oh my God!

Oh Dios mio!

Rachel: Oh wow! This is so cool.

Esto es maravilloso.

(The heartbeat changes, and we hear a different one.)

The Doctor: Have we talked about the possibility of multiple births?

Habiamos hablado de la posibilidad de un parto multiple?

Phoebe: Why don’t take care of this one, and should I get pregnant again, I’ll hold onto your card, okay?

Por que no acabamos primero con este, y guardare su tarjeta por si vuelvo a quedar embarazada.

The Doctor: No, I’m getting three separate heartbeats.

No, estoy captando tres latidos diferentes.

Phoebe: Three? You guys were worried I wouldn’t even have one!

Tres? Me dijeron que a penas se oiria uno!

The Doctor: Doctors are wrong all the time.

Los medicos se equivocan constantemente.

Phoebe: Well, yeah.

Rachel: Well, so, are-are you sure that there are three?!

Pero, oiga, esta segura de que hay tres?!

The Doctor: Definitely. (Points out each head on the ultrasound.)

Definitivamente.

Phoebe: Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!! So I-I mean so in a few months I’m going to have three full grown babies just walkin’ around inside me?! Oh! Oh! And it’s gonna be one of those log rides where they just come shooting out!

Oh Dios mio! Oh Dios mio! Dios mio!.

Me esta diciendo que dentro de unos meses tendre tres bebes alborotando dentro de mi?!

Sera como en ese juego de los troncos en la que todos salen disparados!

The Doctor: Actually, giving birth to three babies isn’t that different from giving birth to one.

En realidad dar a luz a tres bebes no es tan diferente de dar a luz a uno.

Phoebe: What do you know?!

Que sabe usted?

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there, waiting to tell Frank and Alice the news.]

Alice: (entering) Oh-oh, Phoebe!

Phoebe! Hola.

Phoebe: Ooh! Hi!

Alice: Hi! (She runs over and hugs Phoebe’s stomach.) So, how did it go at the doctors?

Como te fue con la doctora?

Phoebe: Oh well, okay, hey, y’know how when you’re umm, you’re walking down the street and you see three people in a row, and you say, "Oh, that’s nice?"

Han visto cuando vas paseando por la calle y ves a tres personas, en fila, y piensas, "Que bonito?"

Frank: Yes.

Si.

Phoebe: Okay, yeah well, good news, you’re going to have three babies.

Si, buenas noticias, van a tener tres hijos.

Alice: Three babies?

Tres bebes?

Frank: I finally got my band!

Por fin voy a tener mi banda de musica!.

Alice: We’re gonna have a big family, I’ve always wanted a big family!

Vamos a ser una familia numerosa. Siempre he querido familia numerosa!

Phoebe: Oh God, I’m so glad you guys are happy, I was so afraid you were going to be all freaked.

Dios mio, me alegro de que esten tan contentos, tenia miedo de que no les gustara la noticia.

Frank: Why would we be freaked?

Por que no nos iba a gustar?

Phoebe: No, no maybe ‘cause it’s harder to raise them, and the added expense, and…

Bueno, por todo eso de la educacion y los gastos adicionales....

Frank: (They’re less than happy now) Oh.

Alice: Right.

Cierto.

Phoebe: No, back to happy. Back to happy!

No, sigan contentos. Sigan contentos!

Alice: No-no-no, no, it’s going to be fine. Because umm, because I teach Home Ec, and uh, I can have 30 kids making baby clothes all year long. Y’know it’ll-it’ll be like my very own little sweatshop.

No, no, no estaremos bien. Porque....

Porque soy profesora de ciencias del hogar....

Y podre tener a 30 chicos que hagan ropa de bebe durante todo el ano.

En fin, sera como tener mi propia fabrica con obreros explotados.

Frank: Yeah, I’ve been thinking ever since you said we were having triplets, the best thing for me to do is to drop out of college and get a job.

Estuve pensando desde que dijiste que vamos a tener trillizos,....

Y lo que podria hacer seria dejar la universidad y buscar un trabajo.

Alice: No, Frank.

No Frank.

Phoebe: No you can’t quit college! No! You’re in college? Really?

No, no puedes dejar la universidad! No!

Vas a la universidad? Cierto?

Frank: Yeah, refrigerator college.

Si a la universidad del refrigerador.

Alice: Yeah.

Frank: Yeah, y’know when we found out we were going to have a baby, y’know I figured y’know like I should y’know have like a career?and I love refrigerators!

Cuando supimos que ibamos a tener un hijo empece, a pensar que deberia tener alguna carrera, sabes?.

Y me encantan los refrigeradores!.

Phoebe: You can’t give up on your dream.

No puedes abandonar tu gran sueno.

Frank: No, it’s okay. We’re-we’re gonna have three kids! And that’s-that’s a different kind of dream. Three kids and no money.

No esta bien.

Vamos a tener tres hijos! Y ese, ese es otro tipo de sueno.

Tres hijos y nada de dinero!.

[Scene: The airport, Emily is getting ready to board her flight to London.]

Ticket Agent: (On the P.A.) This is the boarding call for Flight 009.

Ultimo aviso para el vuelo 009.

Ross: Emily! (Runs up.)

Emily!

Emily: Oh my God! What are you doing here? (They hug)

Que estas haciendo aqui?

Ross: I just, I had to see you one more time before you took-off.

Tenia que verte una vez mas. Antes de que te fueras.

Emily: You are so sweet. (They kiss.)

Eres muy tierno!.

Ross: That’s, that’s, that’s a big candy bar. (She’s holding one of those huge Toblerone bars.) I had the most amazing time with you.

Esa es una gran barra de chocolate.

He pasado unos dias increibles contigo.

Emily: Me too.

Yo tambien.

Ticket Agent: This is the final boarding call for Flight 009.

Ultimo aviso para el vuelo 009.

Emily: Well, that’ me. (They kiss again.) Here, have this. (She gives him the candy bar.) I’m only allowed one piece of carryon anyway. (She starts towards the jetway.)

Ese es mio.

Ross: (stops her) Wait uh, listen. I-I, I have to tell you something. Umm, I’ve been thinking, I’m just gonna come out and say it. Okay? I-I-I ah, I-I think I love you.

Toma esto.

Ademas solo se puede subir un bolso en el avion. Espera ...

Tengo que decirte algo....

Escucha, he estado pensando..... voy a decirlo sin rodeos.

Creo... Que te amo.

Emily: Oh. (She’s shocked and hugs him.) Thank you. (She boards the plane.)

Gracias.

Ross: That’s no problem.

No hay problema.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's erm, Chandler and Joey's, Rachel is singing some kind of song.]

Rachel: What’s that song? It has been in my head all day long.

Que cancion es esa? Llevo todo el dia tarareandola.

Chandler: It’s the theme from Good Will Humping.

La de la Insaciable Willma Humping.

Rachel: Y’know who doesn’t even like dirty movies? My new boyfriend Joshua.

Saben a quien no le gustan las peliculas pornos?

A mi nuevo novio Joshua.

Joey: Yeah right.

Si, claro.

Rachel: No, he told me. He prefers to leave certain things to the imagination.

No, me lo dijo el. Prefiere dejar ciertas cosas para la imaginacion.

Chandler: Oh-oh, yeah, and did he also say that ah, some of the dialogue was corny and that he actually found it was funny and not sexy?

Y te dijo tambien que creia que los dialogos eran muy tontos...

y que en realidad las encontraba mas graciosas que eroticas?

Rachel: Yes!

Si.

Joey: Yeah, he likes porn.

Si, le gusta el porno.

(Rachel starts to leave.)

Monica: Where ya going?

A donde vas?

Rachel: I’m going to find out if he really thinks supermodels are too skinny. (As she exits, Phoebe enters.) Hey, Pheebs!

A averiguar si cree que las modelos son demasiado delgadas.

Hola Phoebe.

Phoebe: Hey.

Joey: Hey!

Monica: How did it go with Frank and Alice?

Que tal te ha ido con Frank y Alice?

Phoebe: Well, Frank has to quit college because his super fertile sister is having three babies! I need to make a lot of money really fast, and I had an idea that I want to talk to you (Points to Chandler) about, ‘cause you work for a big company. Okay, insider trading, what information is there that you can give me.

Bueno, Frank tiene que dejar la universidad porque su hermana superfertil va a tener tres bebes!

Necesito ganar dinero en poco tiempo, asi que se me ha ocurrido una idea que quiero comentarte...

Porque trabajas para una gran empresa, Ok?

Informacion privilegiada, que clase de informacion puedes facilitarme.